Q: We are having a big problem at our house over the use of the phone. It rings constantly, we never get to see our daughter and she would talk all night if we let her. Help!!

A. Using the phone seems to be a rite of passage for many teen-agers. If this has become a problem in your home, the good news is that at least your kid has friends and is not overly shy. The bad news is that telephone use is an area ripe for power struggles.

Over the years, I have seen families get into simply horrendous battles over this relatively simple issue.

2 things not to do

Except in the most extreme circumstances, don't completely cut your teen-ager off from the phone for more than a day. This is important because of the function the phone may serve in their lives.

For adults, the phone may be an intrusion, but for teens it may be an outlet, even their lifeline to friends.

Some frustrated parents actually take all the phones from the house when they leave for work and lock them in the car trunk, hooking them back up when they return home.

And they actually do this every day!

And then they wonder why their children want to fight back and rebel.

What has happened here is that the parents have confused controlling an adolescent with managing an adolescent. As I've said before, trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It's only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com